Joe Grant e-punching e-xposed!

Asinine Press, Mountain View, Nov. 13 -- The Bay Area Orienteering Club was thrown into controversy last night after up to 19,000 Red course runners had their runs negated by what was said to have been "technology problems" in Joe Grant County. This normally peaceful orienteering backwater became the center of attention as the antiquated equipment used at their event caused several of the leading candidates to "mispunch."

"It's a terrible disappointment," said Derek Maclean, one of the affected candidates. "The red pens they gave us were so faint, and the lines between some of the controls had to be bent so it looked like you were supposed to go to the wrong control."

Opinion polls as late as the eleventh control had put Maclean in the lead, although the fateful last three controls were said to have been "clearly territory more suited to (ultimate winner Tapio) Karras," according to embattled course setter Thorsten Graeve.

Other competitors described how the technology used for map copying "had been around since the late 1950s" and that the latest electronic technology had not been available in Joe Grant County due to "cost-containment measures."

"We have a large number of elderly competitors in this county," said a concerned bystander, "and this method of map copying is particularly hard on them." Indeed, one somewhat elderly competitor, Mark Blair, was observed to be in tears after realizing that his run would not count, although that may have just been the result of the icy northwesterly breeze which literally chilled the county last night.

Other competitors noted that the number affected was "statistically insignificant" and referred to the results from neighboring Las Trampas County, which experienced a higher level of rejected punch cards but received no complaints regarding the technology. "I hardly think the red pens were to blame for that one," said one veteran of both campaigns. "It was the wiggly brown lines all over the map."

As the club awaited certification of the Joe Grant advanced results by official Webmaster Abby Wolfe, rumors abounded regarding the delay in announcements. It had not escaped notice that the same Ms. Wolfe was, remarkably, the meet director for Joe Grant County - "a clear conflict of interest, ripe for legal challenge," according to a source close to one of the candidates.

"We are using the very latest e-punch technology to tabulate the results," said Ms. Wolfe, "which is clearly the most reliable method and reflects the forward-looking attitude in this county."

Indeed, some competitors reflected yesterday on the days where results were delayed, often for days, while organizers conducted manual punch checks, requiring "highly subjective" assessments of the "intent of the competitor" by interpreting the pattern of punch holes on the cards. "Sometimes all we had to go on were a few small indentations," said one veteran checker.

Nevertheless, others were willing to talk off the record about problems even with the latest e-punch technology, with control units being changed during an event, giving erroneous splits, and even "chirping" at totally unexpected moments.

"There is no crisis in BAOC," claimed club president Scott Aster. Meanwhile millions have seen their life savings disappear in $8 increments as the wait for a decision continues.

-- reported by Derek Maclean


Blair stages coup and demands event re-run

Asinine Press, Mountain View, Nov. 15 -- As full effects of the mounting controversy have yet to be felt, Mark Blair, the "somewhat elderly" competitor visibly incensed when his run was rejected, has seized control of the local government in Joe Grant County and demanded a "complete re-run" of the entire event, which will take place on January 21, 2001.

So outraged was Blair by what he calls "the new-fangled chirpy boxes" that failed to count the results of himself, Derek Maclean, and 18,998 other Red course runners last Sunday, that he declared: "I'm taking over and I'll manage the entire event myself. And you can bet your last gaiter there won't be an e-punch within a hundred kilometers!"